ha. hell. humor. hellrider style.

The following is pure fiction. I have been ugly and slow my whole life. I am far from pretty.
The following is not fiction. I am not the guy in the photo on the right. He is my friend Jason, apparently he is metro-sexual, hence the water with a "M'. However we both are convinced that biking is a way of life. With that said, Act 1.
-Jay was a Territory Representative for Trek Bikes.
-The 29ercrew is a team of riders across the country that ride Fisher 29er’s.
-Travis at Trek manages the team.
-Dan Kotwicki, that is me, a team rider for the 29er crew who races but did not race the first couple of races.
-John B is a mad owner of Trek, who keeps it real by stoking the gang. He is about the only Republican I like.
Imagine the pressure to produce sales despite the pure love of cycling-the two forces are opposed to a degree. I mean we all got bills to pay. The following is a make believe email for the love of it all in a mad corporate world.
-----Original Message-----
From: John B <mailto:john_bxxx@trekbikes.com>
To: Jay M <mailto:jay_mxxx@trekbikes.com >
CC: Travis O <mailto:travis_oxxx@trekbikes.com>
Sent: Sun, 20 Apr 2008 16:06
Subject: What is with this Kotwicki character?

I noticed that there is only one member of the 29er Crew who hasn't raced yet -- Dan Kotwicki from Ann Arbor, Michigan. What's the situation with this guy? I can see he clearly has good looks, a great personality and several of our Michigan dealers indicate that he is perhaps the single biggest factor in keeping Fisher 29er sales up during the last quarter. However, there have been two races now in Michigan, one race in the NUE series and Sea Otter is now complete. He hasn't attended or raced in one of these events.

Gentlemen, can I ask you -- are we in the habit now of comping and giving bro deals on bikes to anybody off the street? I'll remind you per our discussion at the last sales meeting, now that we have cut the Lemond brand free, we are all going to have to work harder than ever to make our numbers. Trek Bicycle Corporation is one of a few American manufacturing companies holding up this fragile economy. We can't afford to have even one wrench left in the machine. Please address this situation a.s.a.p.

J.B.

p.s. Moncel, Armstrong was supposed to make the Afghani Ladies WSD Yak Butter Tea & Bike Fitting Symposium in Kabul this week, but he is going to be tied up at some running race in Boston. So, I'm going to need you on the first plane out tomorrow. We've drop-shipped 30 of the new Top Fuel WSD Mixte Frames to our dealer Bike & Buzkashi in SW Kabul. Ken Derrico will be there to set up the bikes. Be mindful that we've shipped the new mixte style because the Afghani ladies have issues with their burkas riding up on the top tubes of the regular frames. It was a real problem with dealers there last year. Apparently, two customers of a dealer in Kandahar province were stoned by the Taliban when their burkas rode up on the Equinox Tri bike model during the Eid al Adha Festival Ladies Tri and Mutton Roast, exposing a portion of their ankles.